I need help removing her.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize