i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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