just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
