just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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