i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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