I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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