Apparently you make a good broom.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
