Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize