I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Holy shit dude........stairs
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
