Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
