I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Randomize
