Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
