They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
