i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
