from now on my penis is your penis
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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