So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
