I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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