bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
