I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
