I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
