Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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