You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
