just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
