naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
