Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
