I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
