I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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