I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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