Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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