I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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