I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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