I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
