I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
