Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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