My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
