I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
