We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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