dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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