you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize