the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
