I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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