the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
His nipple licking is glorious
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