i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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