if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Randomize
