I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize