That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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