Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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