Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
