I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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