Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
