Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
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