just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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