you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
