It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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