i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize