Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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